Do you know the saying “You can’t go home”? I do not know who said it, how it was used in
context, or even if I am quoting it correctly, but every time I go back to
Pennsylvania to visit my family I think of it.
I went home to visit my family this weekend. My little sister is turning 30 at the end of
this month, and she requested my attendance.
So I made the arrangements to spend time with her and the rest of my
family. I was looking forward to this
trip, but as usual I was ready to go back to Virginia after just two days.
The issues start with the sleep logistics. I need to sleep somewhere, and it is always uncomfortable
no matter what option I chose. When my
husband goes, we stay at a hotel. This
is my preference, but I know my family is always perturbed that we would spend
the money when there are so many beds available for us to use. I let my husband be the excuse, saying he does
not like relying on the hospitality of family he really does not know that
well. When I am by myself though, I feel
incapable of staying in a hotel. The
best option was always to stay at my sister’s apartment. My mom did not seem to begrudge my staying
with my sister, and my sister did not seem to begrudge my coming and going as I
pleased. This is no longer an option,
because she has recently moved in with her fiance and his grandparents, which
is a bit of an awkward arrangement to me.
Most of the time, I stay at my parents’ house. I dislike this option though for two
reasons. One, their house is filthy and
even a couple of days have me sniffling and coughing from the dust. Two, I sleep on a futon in the living room
where I need to wait for my mother (a night owl) to go to bed and where I am
often woken up early by my dad (a morning person) so I end up with little
sleep. This last visit, I chose to stay
with my maternal grandmother which I have never done before. It went all right, but I am not sure how
often I can do this. I could tell my
mother was disappointed that I was not at her house. I also felt a little restricted in what I
could do while I was there since I needed to be home before grandma went to bed. Plus, I felt a little awkward making plans
with other people when she was so excited to visit with me.
The problems continue with planning who to see, where to go,
and what to do while I am there. I
usually am planning a trip around some event (a holiday, a family party, a
show, etc.), so that is one easy thing to plan.
The rest though ends up being chaos, where I feel like I never do what I
want and I have disappointed everyone around me. My mother usually takes charge of my visits
while I am there. She arranges dinners
with family, get-togethers at grandma’s house, and visiting time with her. Most of the family arrangements center on her
side of the family. My dad’s side of the
family is smaller and less well known to me. However, I do have a relationship with my
grandmother, and I often feel she does not get nearly the amount of visit time
with me that the grandmother on my mother’s side does. This makes me feel guilty. If my husband comes we often want to do some
touristy trip to Pittsburgh so he can see some of where I grew up. It can be hard to find a chunk of available time
big enough to fit these activities.
Also, there is often the desire of family members wanting to accompany
us, and sometimes we would just like to have some time to ourselves. Finally, I have completely given up trying to
visit friends in the same trip as family.
I used to try to accommodate everyone, but the hurt feelings of my
family became too much for me to handle.
So now, I plan completely separate trips to see my closest friends from
college, and I do not tell my family that I am in the state. I have let many other friendships dwindle to
nothing, because I just do not have the time to see them when I go home.
Finally, I have to face the issues with my family that made
me want to move in the first place. My
relationship with my immediate family has been rocky since I was an
adolescent. I am a daddy’s girl and
still have a good relationship with him.
He is usually very flexible with working with what I want in my life and
in my visits home. My sister and I had a
terrible relationship while we grew up.
She had some issues with anxiety, depression, and behavior control that
made her very hard to be around. She was
very angry all the time, especially at me.
She is much better now. We usually have a good time together as
adults, but occasionally I can see the anger and meanness peeking through her
personality. It is often directed at
other people now, but that still does not make it easy to handle. My mother is my biggest issue when I go
home. I feel like I am constantly
restraining myself from arguing with her.
She has very specific ideas of what I should be like and how daughters
are supposed to behave in her family.
Who I am and what I want seems to escape her even after all these
years. Additionally, there are some
unresolved issues from growing up that occasionally surface in discussions with
her and other family members. If I try
to address any disagreements with her directly, she becomes very defensive and
very emotional. I end up feeling guilty
that I have hurt her feelings. Therefore, I try to swallow my opinions and
feelings so we can just get through the visit on a pleasant note. Other family members seem
to think I am too harsh with her and should be a more loving daughter, so I end
up being defensive about feeling the way that I do. It is tiring for me to suppress myself
constantly while home, and so I am usually soon ready to run away from it all
again.
Maybe in the future, I will learn skills to better cope with
my family. However, right now the
solution I have is to not live near them and to limit my visits with them. Sometimes, I feel sad and angry that I cannot
return home permanently any time soon, if ever.
However, I think I am a better, healthier person removing myself from
all the drama that surrounds going home again.
So the saying is true, at least for now, “you can’t go home”.
How about you? Can
you relate, or do you find it easy to go home?
See you next week!
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