This past weekend I spent in Pennsylvania, hanging out with
two of my best friends from college. Now
I feel more refreshed and happier than I have in quite a while. It really struck me how important having good
friends is to my mental well-being.
Although I am actually more social now than I used to be, I do not have
the kind of social contacts that matter.
Even if I am physically with people more often, I am not really bonding
with them on that deeper level that gives my spirits a lift. I have always had some trouble making and
maintaining friendships, and I have not found that this has gotten any easier
with age.
In high school, I was the smart, quiet girl. I went to a fairly small high school and knew
just about everybody in my school. While
I think I was generally liked by my classmates, I had very few of them that I
would name as actual friends. I mostly
hung out with three girls from my grade.
One of these is my cousin, so it would be hard for me to lose that
contact. She and I actually get along
even better as adults (that high school competition aspect is gone from our
relationship), but we live in different areas of the country and do not see
each other more than a half dozen times a year.
The other two girls are no longer in my life except as Facebook
friends. The four of us had a huge
blowout toward the end of senior year over class rankings (too many smart girls
in the room I guess), and my friendships with them never recovered. I did try to reconnect with one of them after
graduation because we had been friends since elementary school but it did not
work out.
I was much better at socializing with my fellow students in
college. I lived on campus, so finding
new acquaintances was as easy as walking down the hall, any hall. Over the years my friends changed as we mixed
up dating relationships, living arrangements, extra-curricular activities, and
classes. My initial friends were mainly
made through close proximity in the dorms.
Then, I branched out as I bonded through parties, shared activities, and
class projects. Though there were
several people I would have called friends while I was there, I have found it
much, much harder to keep them now that we no longer live on the same campus. Most have fizzled to nothing but a connection
on Facebook. I do have a few that I see
once or so a year, but even enjoying their company at those events does not
translate into any contact the rest of the year. I have one former roommate that I have not
seen much since college but who recently moved close to me. We have put some effort into resurrecting our
relationship. Surprisingly, the two best
friends I just saw did not become such until after college although I knew both
while there. One became a better friend
after we discovered we were in the same town right after college. The other was around when I needed help, and
I discovered how much I sincerely liked him through all our conversations. Neither lives near me now, and I have had to put
in extra effort to maintain the contact with them. I know they are true friends though, because no
matter how long it has been, we pick up right where we left off.
As an adult, I have found it very hard to make friends on a
more than superficial level. I only meet
people through work and my husband.
While I seem to generally get along with the people I know, I seem to be
out of sync with where most people are in their lives. I am too old and too uncomfortable with the
evening bar scene to connect with half of them.
I am too young and not family-oriented enough to connect with the other half. I have maintained one friendship with a
former coworker, but it is a tenuous thread at best and we have dinner maybe
twice a year. I like her, but we just do
not seem to connect in a way that makes us want to see each other more often
than that. Most of the people I see on a
regular basis are friends through my very social husband. Honestly, I think the connections would fall
away if my husband was not there to hold them together. Again it is just a matter of not being on the
same wavelength as them as they get together at bars and log their beer choices
into the Untapped app.
Sometimes I worry that I am doomed to a lonely life with
very little meaningful human interaction.
It is not that I do not want to make friends. I feel I am an open-minded person who is
willing to give superficial interactions a chance to develop into something
more. However, I find that very few
people seem to consider me good friend material. I get very few invitations to do anything
with other people, except those that have obviously been flung to the masses. When I make the gesture to invite others to
do something with me, I receive what I call the back burner treatment. If they do not find something better to do,
they might consider my invitation but no one ever really seems enthused about
whatever I have suggested. It becomes
depressing to constantly put effort into people that have little interest into
giving anything back.
This weekend has proved that I really need to work on
strengthening those relationships that I do have. I am sad that my best friends are so far
away, but I think I need to work on getting more face-to-face time with them anyways. My mental health depends on it. I will also try to keep connecting with the
college friend who moved within a reasonable driving distance. Maybe it will grow into something better than
it is now. Of course, I will continue to
try to make friends with other adults in my area. I suppose the best answer would be to find
ways of exposing myself to new groups of people, but work, family demands, and
lack of motivation use up a lot of my free time.
What about you? Have
you kept up friendships from school?
Have you made many friends as an adult?
How do you do it?
See you next week!
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