The First Blog Post – Anxiety Attack

What in the world do you write about for your first blog post?  I know that technically this is my third post, but I used the first two in more introductory ways.  The first was my statement of intent for the blog.  My second was some background information on myself.  Now I need an actual topic.  I have so many ideas in my head, but somehow none of them seem quite right.  I keep rejecting everything for fear that it is not good enough for people to want to read.  So I decided to deal with the situation by writing about the cause of my hesitation.

I mentioned in my last post that one of the things I dislike the most about myself is my anxiety.  It is something that I have always suffered from, although the strength and focus of it has varied over time.  As a child, I was fairly shy, hesitant about new situations and new people in my life.  During high school, this escalated into full-blown social anxiety.  I would panic over the thought of interacting with anyone outside of my immediate family, even people I had known forever.  I would play expected interactions over and over again in my head, trying to cover every possible turn of the conversation.  The idea that I would not know how to respond to something someone said though was enough to keep me from participating in most conversations.  I would even take zeroes on assignments (me, a perfectionist honors student) rather than ask for clarification from the teachers if I did not understand something.  The social anxiety also manifested as kind of claustrophobia where I could not be in crowds of people without having panic attacks.

As an adult, the social aspect of my anxiety is still there but it has lessened considerably.  I still can get uncomfortable meeting new people, but usually can make it through with no major issues.  I have very little anxiety in crowds provided there is enough room for me to move freely among the people.  I have no concern over interacting with most people I know even moderately well.  Now my anxiety is found in my perfectionism and my unwillingness to put myself in strange situations.  I have always wanted to write, but I worry that I cannot produce material that is good enough.  I really want to travel the world, but I get anxious about making the arrangements, getting around unfamiliar locations, and dealing with the language barrier in foreign countries.  I want to work out, but I worry about looking stupid if I go to a gym or fitting in if I try a studio class.  I want to make more of an impact at work, but I think that I cannot handle any more responsibility and that I am not a very good manager as it is.  I would be interested in trying new hobbies or activities, but I fear ridicule from others over the interest in something unusual for me.  Because of all the worries about new situations, I have a tendency to just not start doing anything.

So when it comes to this blog, my instinct was to quit before I had even started.  I had my first two blogs planned out before I ever created the site on Blogger.  Thus, the first two weeks were easy.  However, the third week has been a struggle.  Since I decided to keep my blog open to write about whatever, I gave myself an enormous amount of options for my entries.  This is when the anxiety took over and threatened to freeze me up.  I did not want to choose a topic that would be inflammatory (such as a political or religious topic).  I feared that if I choose a beauty topic, I would be setting myself up as too girly.  If I chose a financial topic, I would be too boring.  If I wrote about something I want to learn more about, I would come across as stupid.  If I tried for social commentary, witty observation, or an artistic creation, then maybe I would come across flat instead of entertaining.  After thinking about and rejecting many, many ideas, I decided that I should just start with myself and how hard something like this blog really is for me.  So instead of letting my anxiety keep from continuing with this blog, I used it to get past this first (third) blog hump.  If I want to be a writer, then I have to write something and I have to keep doing it again and again.

As the weeks go by, the topics will hopefully vary as I intend.  Some of them may not please every reader (and maybe not even please myself 100%), but at least each week I will have beaten the fear and have written one more time.  See you next week!